So I Missed Sibling Day Yesterday...

...but I still wanted to celebrate and thank God for my brother, so I'm posting this even though I'm a day late.

Although I tried looking through my Facebook for a photo of the two of us together, I couldn't find one, because he avoids appearing in pictures unless forced into a full-family snapshot. Even without a picture of us, though, I can call to mind some of the times we've spent together: playing with action figures, me watching him shoot things in early Rainbow Six computer games, listening to him talk in his sleep when we shared bunk beds, having board game nights in our basement, crying in his room when each of my relationships went sour, doing Insanity workouts......

I know that there were times I wasn't there when I should have been, and times I pestered him when he would have rather been left alone. And sometimes he's aloof and sometimes he's kind of mean and sometimes it seems like I'm the younger one and he's the older child--but no matter what, we'll always be siblings and I'll always love him with all my heart.

The Thanksgiving Spirit

Happy Thanksgiving to anyone following this blog! My lengthy absence has finally ceased. With the next two days off from work and a half-day today, I can post to my heart's content... in between all the schoolwork I have for the two classes that I'm currently taking (Literary Theory and Fundamentals of Copyediting and Proofreading, but more about those another time) and the website that I'm trying to create (I'll update you as soon as it's ready). Now to get to my actual post...

This year,I'd like to list the top 10 things I'm thankful for in my life. So here goes. I am thankful...

... that I have a loving family to support me.

... that my boyfriend is the best in the world.

... that our relationship hasn't lost its spark.

... that my family and friends remain healthy and safe.

... that we survived hurricane Sandy with minimal damage.

... that Obama got reelected president.

... that great literature exists.

... that I have a roof over my head and a steady job that I enjoy.

... that I can afford to attend classes and continue learning.

... that I haven't forgotten all of my Hungarian language skills.

What are you thankful for? I'd love to hear from you and share our stories!

Brighton Beach in August

The sand doesn't get hot until noon.
We spread our sheet in a spot still
untouched by human bodies.

I don't want sunblock; you don't
want sunburn, but it's still too early
for even the brightest star to be fully awake.

We swim like tangled jellyfish. We try
to propel ourselves forward as one
entity, drifting farther toward the deep.

I can't stand out there; don't carry me,
don't carry me out, I beg and plead
so you go it alone and I watch.

But now I feel like a starfish
waiting to grow back an arm.

I Am Alive

Is this what a fisherman feels when he’s hauled in his day’s catch, with the carp and the marlin salted on the floor of the skiff? When he brings his boat ashore and the others stare at his haul, does he feel pride for his catch? Or does he think that it’s all in a day’s work, and does he plan to go out the next day and bring in the same, so that he can support his family, or just himself? The fisherman doesn’t worry when the line leaves scars in his palms or slices open his skin, or when the fish pull him in circles for so long that he’s exhausted and bent. The fisherman doesn’t worry and he doesn’t complain. He just prepares his bait and baits his hooks and takes each day at a time, each hour and each minute and each second waiting for the telltale pull on the line. 

I've been absent for quite a while recently, reading Hemingway and trying to work on a new novel. I still have to edit the draft manuscript of the last novel I'd been working on, but I think I need a break from that, time to let it marinate in my brain for a while. This new one is about a group of four friends who travel to Hungary together using the money that one friend inherited from her great grandmother's death. But one of the friends has a secret, and he has to tell the others before it's too late. 

In other news, the May issue of The CPA Journal is complete and has been sent to the printers, so we should be getting that in at work any day now. Aside from work, I've been spending time with Todd. We're going to see a We Were Promised Jetpacks concert this weekend on our 1 year and 8 month-iversary. I'll post some music and pictures at a later date. And more about my longest relationship ever at a later date too. Suffice to say, I'm still incredibly happy with him. <3

To end this mini update, here's an interesting article I read in the New York Times this morning about abandoned silos in Kansas that have acted like incubators for trees and now dot the prairie.

New Record!

Before I dated Todd, my longest relationship was about one year and two months. It was nearly one year and three months, if you counted times of momentary separation into the total. That's a pathetically short range, I know.

But I'm glad that all of those relationships ended, because I was never as happy as I am now. And, my relationship length standard has reached a whole new level: one year and four months. I hope that the ease, warmth, and passion of this relationship never end.

Here are some photos from our one year and fourth month-iversary dinner:



i know, we're so classy



i think i awkwardly took this right after he finished chewing

i was much more excited about that frosty than i look here

New Year, New Opportunity

In 2010, I had 54 posts, up from 49 in 2009. In 2011, I wrote 93 posts. This year, I want to break 100 posts. I'd like to start posting more often, both about experiences I'm having as well as about interesting or educational tidbits I read in the news or online. To me, sharing information and ideas is one of the most important activities we can engage in, and I'd like to take an even more active role in making that happen among my followers, family, and friends. 

On that note, I'm going to share with you my other resolutions for this year - a year that some believe will bring about the end of the world. Whether it will or won't isn't for me to decide, but I'd like to make it the best year yet, just in case. I want to try and show more appreciation for those around me who impact my life in positive ways, and I hope to spend more time exploring activities and studies that interest me.

First, I resolve to actually work on and finish editing through the novel manuscript I've written. I'd like to tighten my writing into a blend of Fitzgerald's spot on descriptions and vocabulary with Atwood's storytelling knack and restraint. Not that it will get anywhere close to that, but I figure that having high standards probably can't hurt.

Second, I resolve to be the best girlfriend I can be: understanding, interested, and most of all honest. I will try my best to show appreciation for the many things that Todd does for me, and I will try to never make him sad. In the same vein, I'd like to be a better daughter to my parents and a better friend to those who have been there for me.

Third, I will figure out a plan for school. For anyone who doesn't know, I'm wavering right now about going back to school and what I should go for, and how I should approach it. By the end of the year, I want to at least have a focus and a direction to take.

Fourth, I want to start brushing up on my Hungarian language skills again. I haven't been able to speak the language or practice for quite some time, but I want to start reading and translating again, listening to Hungarian radio on my phone, perusing Hungarian news, and maybe finding someone to speak the language with so that I don't lose it.

Fifth, I want to further develop and realize my own identity and abilities. I want to dig even deeper into my soul and mind and release all of the potential that lies in waiting. I want to remain true to myself and to the things I love. I want to avoid being swayed by popular opinion or crowds. I want to remain firm to my beliefs and strengthen them. Lastly, I want to delve into my psyche and heal up any old wounds that still linger.

Whew, that was an exhausting list, just to type. But I'm up for the challenge of trying to achieve all of those goals. And I hope that you've come up with some good goals for the new year too. Even if you don't believe in "resolutions," as such, it's always good to have goals. By striving to reach new heights, we can be surprised by what we might find. What are your goals for 2012? Maybe we can help each other succeed. 

looking forward to a year of laughs and love.

holiday

glass loses reflection in the predawn

morning fog veils building peaks

and we cross the street despite

the taxis

working from darkness to darkness

venturing out into afternoon sunlight

feels like the state between dreaming

and awake

tourists impede pedestrian traffic

we twist one scarf around our necks

with hands clasped we're like two gifts

in ribbon

too quickly the lunch hour passes

there are no windows in our office

look around-- it's a solemn masoleum

of goals

bags get heavier the longer they're held

to our myopic eyes the lamplight slurs

we miss the details for shiny circles with

hazy edges

but we can see the essence of everything

Photo Post!

Lately it seems like it's always one thing after another. Thanksgiving, hanging out with friends visiting, work, more work, writing articles, and now upcoming concerts and then Christmas. Here are some photos that explain what I've been up to better than I can: 

giant plate of Thanksgiving food and a salad drenched in dressing

Union Square

chocolate pizza from Max Brenner... mm I love those marshmallows

group photo: Kayla, Sean, Jo, Beyza, me, Todd

 getting into the Christmas spirit even though he's Jewish

i love Rudolph

it makes me happy to look at this beautiful tree

 

bluejay in winter

the sky looks like a polluted ocean outside the window and the writer sighs at overused metaphors. 

sheets of paper pour from the printer and the daughter can smell the ink all the way in the kitchen.

the pie on the oven has a crack down the center; she can never bake the way her mother did. 

she rests her head in an oven mitt hand and listens to the windows rattle behind their screens.

the mother's cross hangs around the writer's neck and he rubs his thumb against the golden christ.

in march the ground is snow and what isn't slush has been coated with dirt and homeless man's pee. 

the printer runs out of paper and the writer tries to recall whether he has another ream in the closet.

the daughter notices the hum has stopped and decides to help the writer find some more paper. 

but the writer has lost interest in the novel and is staring outside of the window at a bluejay.

the daughter walks to his side and tries to read over his shoulder; last time she asked, he refused.

the bluejay weaves through the air like confetti and spirals down toward a berry bush in the yard.

both writer and  daughter try not to think about the day its roots took to soil but they do anyway.

the bluejay's wings knocks against the branches that the mother pruned with scissors from the shed.

the daughter reads about a young woman with sunglasses; she guesses that it's supposed to be her.

the young woman with sunglasses is trying to escape from a block of ice but she can't get out.

the branches shake as the bluejay struggles against the gust to get back to his mate in the tall oak.

the mother's cross sways as the writer leans forward to watch the scene in the noxious sky.

the young woman with sunglasses closes her eyes and awakes twenty years later in an inferno.

landing on a tree limb the bluejay offers his mate a berry that he's caught on a twig in his beak.

the daughter coughs and puts a hand to her chest; she worries about asthma and heart attacks.

the writer knows that if he were a bluejay 

eating berries with his wife in a tree 

then he would never need words again.

Photos and Goodbyes

This weekend I went down to the Williamsburg waterfront with Todd and some friends, and yesterday I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends, Beyza, because she's moving to Chicago. Here are some photos from both events:

One of my favorite pictures of Todd

And one of me, of course.

Spring rolls with pineapple sauce and pineapples that Beyza and I shared during out last meal togethe rbefore she moves.

Best Friends <3

a simile for the latest heartbreak

i woke up and the snow outside had piled past the porch. i wrapped myself in one blanket, and then another, and then three more. i lay in bed and walked through mental deserts. the heat and the electricity had both failed some time during the night. dad's fish all floated face up in their tanks. we lit candles and turned on the gas stove, which we knew could burn down the house. but maybe burning fast would hurt less than freezing slow. we hadn't noticed the sudden outage around midnight, but now we all shivered and curled up and wished we could go back to sleep and pretend that everything was still okay.

it was like that.

x-ray of first heartbreak

at midnight under a streetlamp i first saw your shadow

you had furry fruit bat wings and your eyes burned
like grains of salt on our tongues
i’m scraping it now just to keep it clean
i couldn’t see your arrogance, just your innocence


walked into a room and saw an aging dentist
with his hand up his patient’s skirt
our love hung upside down with its eyes closed
balancing by its very tiny feet
and we bit the insides of each other’s cheeks
so we could taste them bleed
i said, wrap around me with those wings
the wind is way too cold

at midnight under a streetlamp your heart hid
a wisdom tooth that hadn’t broken skin
we talked about bobsledding and hotel pools
i didn’t realize you knew the grammar of deceiti couldn’t see your pessimism, just your body
swathed in tight black jeans, i can see your ribcage
heave with every thrust or laugh or sob

walked into a room with my mother and father and brother
praying and wearing pink headdresses like displaced aboriginals
from outer space i moved to kiss you but you disappeared
and left me with this ache this cavity
filled with the bones of fledgling dinosaurs

i took refusge in a room

that made me seem good and brave

Weekend Roundup

It seems like Monday always comes too fast. This weekend I went to Todd's cousin's sweet 16 party and mostly just played Scrabble with him and our respective families. His sister took this photo of us with her iPhone.

In other news, this morning I realized that a hazy, indie band that I really like - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - has an album coming out pretty soon, "Hysterical." It's streaming for free right now on National Public Radio (NPR), so here's a link for your listening pleasure. Listening so far, I feel that this is their most accessible album yet, given the fact that you can actually understand at least half of the lyrics. Let me know your thoughts.

News and Views

Although I've wanted to, I haven't gotten a chance to post much in the last week or so because I've been pretty busy at work and writing event listings for amNewYork. But then I thought, "Wait a minute! I should be sharing my work!" So here it is:

Check out the September issue of Tax Stringer, an online newsletter aimed at CPAs, accountants, or anyone interested in tax. I basically edited all of the stories here.

Or, check out the September issue of The Trusted Professional, a newspaper with more general stories and a focus on New York chapters, which is the part that I'm mostly involved with.

New issues of each publish on the first of every month, so stay tuned!


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In other news, I loved my one year anniversary celebration with Todd last Monday. We went to see HAIR on Broadway during its brief stint with the touring cast and, as always, it was wonderful. Todd enjoyed it as well. Unfortunately, we both noticed that the theatre remained strikingly empty throughout the performance, and we were both surprised that more people hadn't taken the advantage to view the show before it disappears again.

Next week is a new week, and hopefully I'll have some new posts then, too! Until then, have a great weekend, readers!

Weekend Roundup

It's been a busy weekend, filled with family functions (my cousin's engagement party) and writing amNewYork event listings/articles and traveling into and out of Manhattan and hanging out with friends on my porch while watching a thunderstorm and figuring out my new smartphone. And then there was the best part: hanging out with Todd.

At the end of this week, it will be our 11-month-iversary already. I'm trying to plan out a date to take him on, since he planned a really great date for me last month. I'll keep you updated on how it turns out.

Have a good week, readers! I'll update as often as I can :)

How We Met (Aw)

I'm sure all regular followers of my blog have seen more pictures than necessary of me and my boyfriend Todd. But what you haven't seen yet is an in-depth account of how we met. And now you can read just that at HowAboutWe, a fun dating website that features a series of "First Date Stories." Make sure to check out all of the other features of the site while you're there as well.

And now, another picture of me and Todd :) 

why saying you're in love isn't the same as showing it

we were like that spark of creativity

that pops into the mind while watching a play

or while reading our favorite novels;we think

we will write something great

we have so many ideas

really, what could go wrong?

and then three months later

we never even opened the box of black

gel pens we bought especially

for writing

First Signs of Spring

We picked white dandelions

and made wishes on the seeds,
blowing to scatter them in the wind.

I blew, and blew, but still some

refused to fly from the stem, so I 

hit the flower until they fell off.

Would my wish still come true?

I smiled and looked at you.

Inspiring Each Other

After reading a copy of my self-published poetry book, An Unfamiliar Ache, one of my old high school friends Daisy Tan made this drawing to keep on her wall to represent her renewed vigor for life. To me, the poem represents longing and loving someone (Todd, in my case) with so much honesty and fervor that you hope they'll stay with you for as long as possible, since neither of you can live forever. 

 

When Daisy sent me this drawing, though, I thought about the poem in a new way. We don't only have romantic soul mates; our lives are intertwined with the energy threads of everyone around us, especially the friends we make and choose to open our thoughts and hearts to. And in that sense, too, I hope that I can create lasting friendships that will never die. As Daisy wrote to me, "Whether it be to a person or to a cause, let us live passionately."

And I think living passionately is the most important thing we can ever do with our lives. 

(Side Note: Please purchase my poetry book if you can spare the funds! Or, if you want a signed copy, contact me directly at chris.doka@gmail.com and I'd be happy to arrange something with you!)

Song of the Day

"ALL THE TREES OF THE FIELD WILL CLAP THEIR HANDS" by Sufjan Stevens