Making My Way Back...

Not a long post, but I wanted to share an article I wrote that got published in amNewYork newspaper here in the city. Anyone a fan of Tim O'Brien? (sorry its kind of fuzzy. I wrote those listings on the side too!)

Codified & Pre-determined

People unravel backwards, different from ribbon unrolling or rules carved in stone; with us, it starts in the core, a burning itch in the marrow, and spills out sloppily from the bones, breaking free of ligaments and neurotransmitters, and bursts through muscles in aerobic respiration, and squeezes out of skin like blood seeping from under nails. It grows in the heart and ages in the stomach, finally left to rattle behind emaciated ribcages like an acid-spewing fang-bearing beast, or Barabbas shaking the bars to be set free, or wind wildly gusting at a loose window in the not quite silence of the city night.

Here Goes Nothing, Or Everything

Well, it's over and official. We've broken up. I am, as expected, a mess, and trying to study for a midterm that I have to take tomorrow. Not really a good combination. Please wish me well, if you get a spare moment, and I will return the favor. Will blog soon, after a proper period of studying, test-taking, relaxing, being sad, etc. Probably not too long, I can't not write.

Unusually Personal

It's that twisting, tumbling-stomach feeling. The one that makes you simultaneously want to puke and just curl up in a ball for hours unmoving. It's fear, and anxiety, and guilt, and sorrow. Stuck together like the wad of chewed gum gathering under desks and on subway station poles. I have a bad feeling about this, and it makes me sad. What can you say when someone tells you they don't know how they feel about you anymore? What can you say when, the day after you celebrate your 1 year anniversary, someone tells you they don't think about you when you're not around? That sometimes they'd rather be out than being with you? That they think you don't have in common (when you know that what they really mean is, you have everything in common except for the fact that they like to go out and drink/party and you don't)? I don't know. There's not too much I can say. Just left with this wrenching, roiling-stomach feeling.

Global Warming

Think it's over-hyped? Extremely worried about it? I'm uncertain about how disastrous I think it is, myself, but I completely agree with this video, and think everyone should watch it and pass it on. (Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zORv8wwiadQ)

Eat & Sleep Is All We Do

we substitute the fan's relentless hum for conversation while we sneak glances at each other over blue china like children peering under beds to check for monsters. stay awake, and the bogeyman can't scare you with those slick, acid fangs of Jealousy and the flat, flabby mouth of Greed, slobbering against the curving thigh of Mistrust, enticed by the aching wetness of Insatiable. we hold each other's bodies like chopsticks; we trade condiments instead of kisses. hand me that tube of mayonnaise. i'd like some salt for these fries. pass the relish, please. if only we could learn how to wake ourselves up.

Celebrating with Snowmen

The last post was #100 on this blog! Yay! Go me! To celebrate, I will post pictures of the snowman my dad and I just built outside in our backyard. I don't like the cold or the snow, really, but I do like building snowmen. It was a good way to kick off my birthday weekend! Check it out:

Thought

So today I realized that there's a Gogol Bordello concert coming up next month. It wasn't on their upcoming show list a week ago, but now... there it is! I'm pretty hyped, because the last Gogol Bordello concert I went to - back in December - was pretty sweet. The only downside is that it's $35, and I think Jbear is going to be too broke to go. And the only other person I'd really want to go with, I managed to completely push away to the point where we don't talk anymore. So. I don't know. Maybe I'll just go alone if I have to. Anyway, you should check out Gogol Bordello here, or listen to the embedded song below, which is one of my favorites, and then at least this post will have been of some use to you. ----- Current Mood: regretful

BIKE RIDE

five-speed and he’s going uphill. breathing through his mouth. tulips blooming along the side of the road and he doesn’t notice. boot prints in spring’s first mud. the traffic light changes; the air gets thick and musky with car fumes & honks & horns & the rattling of a beat up old mustang. he stops at the crosswalk. pedals cease centripital motion. i’m reclining on the grass on a blanket that smells like scented candles. naked and glistening, with sweat on my thighs. drunken bees dip into just-bloomed honeysuckle. gravel crackles under worn-out tires; road needs to be paved. shaved my head yesterday. wearing boots like i'm hardcore. grass blades stretch to touch his toned calves and he doesn’t even notice. i stare right at him. long nose. crooked smile. deep-set eye sockets, irises inky ocean blue. i want to touch his eyeball just to make sure. light changes again. re-mount and he’s zooming off through the crosswalk. tulip mouths suck in air after he passes. clouds come closer to earth. i’m dancing to a gypsy jig with a tambourine. what things people never have the time to see.

The Light Within

The groin-vaulted ceiling looms over 600 feet above as I stand in the center of the nave of the Church of St. John the Divine in New York City. Every time the clouds shift outside, the rose window behind me and the immense stained glass windows to either side of me begin to glow, sprinkling red and blue light-glimmers on the walls and pillars of this Gothic revival church. St. John the Divine is an Episcopal church, and I'm a Catholic, but I wouldn't say I'm necessarily a Catholic over an Episcopal for any particular reason; I just am. So to me, a church is a church is a church, regardless of what denomination it is. Despite being Catholic, I tend to not even be such a great Catholic, and just believe that all gods are the same God. You know, a rose by any other name is still a rose. That kind of thing. Sitting on one of the nave's wooden, hard-backed chairs, I started thinking about being a Catholic, albeit not a great one. At least, I thought, I gave up candy for the 40 days of Lent. Then I thought, But I kind of only did that because I wanted an excuse to stop eating so much candy. Not really to praise or sacrifice for God. But what else could I do? So tI decided that I'm going to try to pray more, not formally or anything, just some acknowledgment thrown up high every once in a while. And maybe go to some kind of church. Although, honestly, it could be Buddhist or Jewish and I think I'd still feel like I was connecting with God. But I then realized that I don't believe we don't need churches and texts to find God. I think spiritual energy is in everything that surrounds us - the snow melting from the roof, the birds chirping outside by my air conditioner - and that God is inside each of us. We are all God.