A Szerelmem

It amazes me how deep connections between people can develop over such a short time span, like the period of a couple of meetings. It also amazes me how you can have one thought, a happy thought, a funny thought, and suddenly it pulls on those connections, and how empty you feel without them close to you, and then you're crying before you even know it, the tears rolling down your cheeks in big fat globs, your lashes sticking together, and your breath coming in short, hard gasps. But you're happy, because you know it existed. Because you know the connection means something to you, that the person will always be tied to you, no matter how far they are or what happens in either of your lives. And bonds like that just can't be broken, no matter what. That's what family is about - that unconditional love, that willingness to sacrifice, that honest truth. And sometimes, we tie up our heartstrings in perfect boyscout knots with the heartstrings strangers, and they become our closest friends, our truest unconditional loves. The more people you connect to, the more people you are able to love. Not necessarily romantically, but as people. As companions. As allies. And, just maybe, you'll love some of them unconditionally, forever, and that's the most anyone can ever ask or hope for from someone else.

"Tudtam, hogy vissza fogsz jönni. De ha nem jöttél volna vissza, akkor egyedül haltam volna meg."

I knew that you would come back. But if you hadn't come back, then I would have died alone.

--Szerelem, by Déry Tibor

My Weekend

Fast updates. Friday: I suck at capitalism. Unexpected adventures, nice noses, sketchy diners, weird thoughts. Saturday: Studying, studying, studying... really slowly. Oh, and I colored like 12 pictures. Sunday: Very focused. Lots of studying. Hungarian homework. Quick e-mail to Andris about jealousy. Started talking to an old friend again. Watched this, which I stole from Ross. Which is amazing. ... I'm unsure what to think of the upcoming Halloween. I just need to get through the week first...

Memo

This is the interesting/amusing news of the day: Sarah Palin's insane clothes spending. Seriously, look at those heels she wore at the debate (one of the articles has a slideshow). Those are some nice shoes!! Check out this and this. In other news, I happened to come across this tragedy, which I don't think is anything new, but left me with a really sad feeling. Today I get to trek to my City Hall area "beat" (anyone want to come?) and try to find local issues that probably don't exist. Sounds like fun, right?! Also, how do you decide whether or not to let a person back into your life? What's the criteria for that? Lastly, peace.

The Latest Trend

Right now I'm in the student lounge. Today I started my winter routine of sitting here and doing homework on my laptop. I must admit, it is a relief to get back into the swing of things. To just be able to focus on what I'm doing (with, as you can see, short breaks to access the internet that my laptop can finally connect to). Hopefully things will settle into a good work-mood now, and I'll be able to get lots of work done in the upcoming weeks. Too bad the janitor that I always used to talk to isn't around anymore. I think he moved on to a job in construction. I hope everything is going well for him. Today there was a very slim possibility that Adam and I could have won $100,000 from McDonalds. Wouldn't that have been something? I've never won from the monopoly promotion before, although I'm going to keep trying, even if it is in vain. Too bad it's only going on until November 3, though. I wish I had realized they were doing it earlier in the month. Everyone, go to McDonalds! Go get game pieces! Let's combine and win! In yet other news, I think I'm going to head out in a little while (after getting some more East Asian Politics typing done) and go to the store on thirteenth street that sells crystals and chakra oils and stuff. The one I went to with Rob around the time I first began this blog. I looked for it this morning and couldn't find it, but I think I'm going to go back and search again. I'll let you know if I succeed in finding it (and then if I actually buy anything)! "I'm unconsoled. I'm lonely. I am so much better than I used to be.... In love with love and lousy poetry..." <3

Don't Get Your Train Right On Time

I have to say, if you want to be in a good mood at ungodly hours of the morning, watch this. It's going to be a long day.

Fading

I had a dream last night. It began at Six Flags, or something, and Jo and I went on two rollercoasters, and I flew off of both of them and landed on the ground beside them. I didn't really experience either the falling or the landing part, and I wasn't really injured, except that I bruised my elbw the second time. Then something about walking back through a bit of a forest to find my grandparents and some guy that I used to know and then, suddenly, I was in his house and he was reading a text or an e-mail from someone named Andrea (this obviously stems from the fact that Louis' ex gf is named Andrea and that's all he talks about lately. But the person definitely was not Louis). And then I was in my downstairs and Justin and some blonde guy in a pink shirt talked about if they were gay, and then some foreign guy mopping the floor had an armadillo. ... I have no idea.

Hey Jealousy...

I've been thinking of these items lately: a cheese wheel lounging around, coffee rinds spilling onto a table, and sugar loaves swelling out. They close their (swiss) hol(e)y eyes. They rub up against the (polished) wood. They roll around without a second thought. They frolic in frivolous fractions. One half of those questioned believe that love exists. The other half call them jaded. The other half purse their cynical thin lips and raise one corner of their noses in disgust. Why is it that when you want images, such as these, to stay out of your life, they always have to come back and poke their noses into your ribcage, snuffle around a bit, and then go back to sleeping in their little beds, not without leaving you aching for something more than just this paltry reminder, this unsatisfactory nostalgia, this pain that only goes to a certain point. It's not so much of a stab, as a flickering flame. How come I always get stuck being the one trying to convince people not to commit suicide? I mean, don't you think, God, that that's a lot of burden to put on one person? To be the sole convincing factor keeping them alive? To not know if they're serious or not serious. To be afraid to just brush it off in case, this time, they really are? And what if I fuck it up? What if I say the wrong thing, or don't push the point strong enough, or what if I'm just busy with ten million other things, and I can't take the time to worry whether he lives or dies? I mean, every time we talk, it's the same fucking thing. And then I just get angrier and angrier. I mean, what am I supposed to say? There's only so many ways I can say "No, I care about you." Like, don't fucking message me for help and then blame me for it. But underneath the anger is my fear. What if I fuck it up? What if I fuck it up? What if he kills himself? Would it all be my fault? I can't handle this kind of stress, even though it seems like I continually wind up in this spot, between two walls with no way out but up. And unfortunately, I haven't yet learned to fly. Away from anything. Or anyone. These things are really managing to harsh the mellow that I've established for myself. The routine of school, school, school, study, study, study. See a friend or two. See someone I'd like to be with, or two. Not really open my mouth. Not really yell out how I feel (Like. Why don't you see?? Like. I care about you. Like. She's stupid if she doesn't see how amazing you are. Like. I want to be your bedbug. Like. Like. Like. Love.) I maange to not really crack this exterior shell I've glued together, made of broken macaroni bits and postcards and the corners of photographs, since those seem to be the only bits that remain constant. I'm not saying it's a good mellow, but it's a balance, and I'd appreciate it if dogs stayed asleep and yeast didn't rise. I'd appreciate it if circles would stay broken when you tried to crack their flow. I'd appreciate it if I could just live in peace and love without interruption. Just let me purse my thin lips and raise one half of my nose. "You were the best I ever had..."

Say It Ain't So, Joe

News of the morning: Joe the plumber is not really a licensed plumber, owes on his taxes, and makes less than $250,000 and thus would save under Obama's plan. I think this becomes really important, becase it demonstrates how McCain obviously doesn't do enough background research before making on-the-fly decisions, and I don't think that's a good strategy to adopt for our country.

Penny For Your Thoughts

Today, I felt a connection I've been spiritually nourishing tug on the invisible fishing thread between us. An overwhelming compulsion. And it makes me believe that my spreading of my mental awareness, my attempt to forge mental links unknowingly, might just be working in the slightest bit. Eventually, I want to be able to detect this certain little energy life force from anywhere in the City, and feel inside my gut in which direction I want to walk in order to reel in this fishing wire to its end, which way to find those hands into which I can place pennies, and attempt to read his thoughts. And then, as he did today, he will give those pennies to the people outside of the Barnes and Noble. You know the ones. They set up their tables and their big jugs and they call out "Penny for the homeless! Just one penny". And he will dig in his pockets, his change jangling, and he'll drop it into that nearly empty jug. And I'm the only one there who knows how much it's costing him. And he'll look at me, and it'll break my heart every time, because he'll say, "I wish those pennies could feed me too." As I always am, I'll feel overwhelmed with the absolute absurdity of the situation, with how surreal it all feels. With how much he is a Pisces. With how much he is like me, and yet so very different. And if he offered me a penny for my thoughts, I'm sure I wouldn't know where to begin. Hook, line, and sinker.

Recurrent Themes

I'd like to begin with this joke, which apparently has been a running theme in elections since at least 1946. (I borrowed this from here, and on a side note, compare the version I'm about to type up with the 1964 version. I lament the downfall of our language.): "While he was making a campaign stop in Pennsylvania yesterday, John McCain kept getting interrupted by a heckler who shouted "I am a Democrat!" over and over. McCain was obviously getting pissed, but he kept his anger bottled up long enough to respond to the heckler with, "My friend, can I ask you *why* you're a Democrat?" The heckler said: "My grandfather was a Democrat, my father was a Democrat, and I am a Democrat!" "What if your father had been a jackass?" McCain asked sarcastically, "Then what would you be?" "A Republican!" the heckler yelled back." I'm sure most people have heard that before, but I never did, and I thought it was wildly funny. So funny that I was choking on the pepper in my cheese and pepper sandwich (I know, who eats that for breakfast? I blame my trip to Hungary). Not only did I find this age-old joke humorous, I also thought it cast significant light on McCain's behavior in last night's debate. Because undoubtedly McCain was, as he has been in past debates, quite the jackass. Don't get me wrong here: I think his strategy to be on the offensive for nearly the entirety of the debate was a smart one. In fact, I think it's just about all he could do, at that point. I think some of McCain's attacks resonated very strongly with (undecided) voters, especially when he called out Obama on not keeping certain promises he had made in former debates. What I do not approve, and what makes me seethe with rage during these debates, is McCain's arrogance, and the cocky way in which he looks down at Barack Obama. The way he rolls his eyes while Obama is speaking. The way he grimaces in mock-pain, or mockingly sneers. The way he makes all these little sarcastic comments that absolutely no one but him laughs at. And the way he continually interrupted both Obama and Schieffer. Example (taken from the NYTimes debate transcript):

"OBAMA: I'll just make a quick comment about vouchers in D.C. Senator McCain's absolutely right: The D.C. school system is in terrible shape, and it has been for a very long time. And we've got a wonderful new superintendent there who's working very hard with the young mayor there to try...

MCCAIN: Who supports vouchers.

OBAMA: ... who initiated -- actually, supports charters.

MCCAIN: She supports vouchers, also.

OBAMA: But the -- but here's the thing..." I mean, doesn't that annoy you? He's like a petulant little kid who can't even bear to sit still and wait for another person to have their turn. As Adam mentions, McCain is clearly living up to the label that people have given him. Of course, eveyone is talking about affect: McCain came across as flighty, fidgety, and rather more explosive. On the flip side, he was more persistent, and, for an older candidate, he really didn't look all that bad. Obama, as expected, has perfected the calm and cool technique. Personally I loved the way he smiled and shook his head sometimes when McCain made bogus claims, but at the same time, I'm sure Republican versions of me can just turn around and say that Obama was being as disrespectful toward McCain as I think McCain was toward Obama. As for content, we heard (again) a lot of the same that we've been hearing. I wish one of them would just deviate from those vague talking points, but I guess that really isn't a safe move this close to the election. Other bits and pieces of content that I want to mention (and I have to do this relatively quickly so that I can go get ready and then study for my Mass Media midterm): 1) Joe the plumber, Joe Wurzelbacher, whatever you want to call him, really started to get my nerves bouncing around underneath my skin. While it was mildly amusing (McCain: "Hey, Joe, you're rich, congratulations"), it all seemed like petty fighting going around in the same circles. The same circles we've been hearing debate after debate. 2) I did appreciate the variety in Schieffer's questioning. I'm glad they spoke about education and abortion. And, just, on the abortion topic: Why is it that Republicans are alright with major governemnt intervention in a woman's personal life choices, but not in the economy? Why is it that Republicans fight for the right to own a gun (which, theoretically, has a pretty high potential to get someone killed, especially if you're living in a bad crime city and not just out hunting in the woods), but they immediately swear against abortion? I don't understand those right-wing Christians who are proudly gun-toting. Remind me again why Jesus would ever want you to own a gun, whether to kill people or animals? The Republican lack of logic never ceases to amaze me. 3) Supreme Court. We all know I was listening with ears open for this one. And, let's say I knew absolutely nothing about the candidates other than their answers to this one bit of questioning, my vote would still be for Obama. Not necessarily because I liked his answer, but because John McCain's answer was completely preposterous (and that's not a word I use often, or lightly). And yes, I realize this is all subjective and based on personal perspective, but this is my blog and thus my perspective, damn it, and I think John McCain would completely destroy both the Supreme Court and the precedents of that court, the foundations of the basic rights we know today! Look, you take away one right to privacy, and what are we going to overturn next? Lawrence v. Texas? Our Miranda rights? Let me just get straight to the McCain quote, or else this is going to turn into a rant about the conservative court, and the fact that under McCain, that court would probably just become incredibly right-wing extremist. (And, for a side note, under Obama, the court probably wouldn't become overwhelmingly liberal, so don't listen to any conservative arguments that say so. Because, the fact of the matter is, that any Justice who retires will probably be a liberal one. And so if Obama replaces them with more liberals, well, that just keeps the court the way it is now, in a very tight 5-4 split, most of the time, with conservatives usually getting the upper hand. So that's not really a valid argument). Sorry, I'm continuing: First of all: "McCain: I think that decisions should rest in the hands of the states." ... Then what would be the point of the court in the first place?? It is there for a reason. "McCain: I would consider anyone in their qualifications. I do not believe that someone who has supported Roe v. Wade that would be part of those qualifications. But I certainly would not impose any litmus test." ... Which (hello!!!??) is basically saying that anyone who doesn't agree with him that Roe v. Wade is a bad decision, would not make it onto the bench. Which means (you guessed it) more conservatives! But, no litmus test! But, really, is McCain blatantly saying that anyone who disagrees with his ideology is "unequalified", a much better solution to offer? Personally, I don't think so. I think the major problem with McCain in this debate was the way he wavered back and forth between statements, and when you juxtapose them, they just don't make any sense. I think the major problem with Obama was the fact that he was too dispassionate. And even if his strategy is to remain cool and sidestep attacks, I bet there were a lot of voters who just wanted to see him stick it to McCain, just a little bit. I've seen a lot of people give the debate to McCain, and most of the liberal media obviously gives the debate to Obama. While I think there was good and bad to both, I'm going to give it to Obama by a very slim margin, mostly because McCain's Supreme Court argument made me want to nearly strangle him and because, continuing the theme of his past debates and his whole campaign, McCain acted like a complete jackass... excuse me, I mean, Republican. Now, to shower! Then, to study! Send me some good vibes, please!